I still love you

no I don’t.

I’m so confused. why did this happen.

I want you to be happy. if this is what it takes then I’m okay with it. be happy. for me. please.

don’t you ever give up.

I kind of hate you for leaving me.

but I still love you.

I won’t look at you in person but I talk to you in my head

you’re a better listener this way.

I’m sorry.

maybe if I wasn’t so fucked up this wouldn’t have happened

no. it’s not my fault.

but it kind of is.

I hate this

I don’t know who I am without you.

why can’t things be like they were before

please come back to me. I need you. you need me.

we are so goddamn bad for each other it’s beautiful. I’m addicted to our heartbreak.

I went through our old messages. I cried because you promised to always be there. you lied.

you smiled at me in the hall today. i thought my chest was being ripped open

I’m glad you’re smiling though.

ive gone through this. every single one of those “texts”. ive been there. and it feels horrible. there is a guilt there. you dont know what to do. all you can do is sit there and struggle with it. i used to know someone. she was my everything for a short little while. and then she was gone. and she was a fleeting dream in the wind. i clung on to the dream. i followed the dream. and i will always follow it. forever. but she will not be there for me. not anymore. not ever. 

have you ever tried to remember a smell? do it now. think of some smell. you will recall the circumstances under which you have smelled it, you will remember what feelings you experienced, emotions you went through, people that were there or lack thereof, lighting, warmth or lack thereof, the texture of any materials you were coming in contact with, dampness, etcetera. you may be able to remember so many things, but you will not remember the smell itself. you will remember qualities you assigned to it, similarities between the said smell and other smells to which you have assigned their respective names, settings and qualities, you may have many associations with the said smell, but you will not be able to recreate that smell in your mind. to you, it will be lost. you could recreate the circumstances, find the source of the smell and inhale yet again to engrave another memento within your mind, but without the source of that smell, that smell is gone, and no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to experience the memory of the smell itself. and i daresay its the same for love. 

a friend

Today is not the worst day i had this year. it isnt the worst day i had this month, or week. yesterday i almost got arrested for hell’s sake. november was a month i spent in a deep depression, as was the second half of october, so i have for sure had worse days than this. but the way this day is unique in is today i lost hope. two words: please stop. after two months minus three days i lost all hope of regaining a friend whom i lost. i daresay it wasnt my fault. i am willing to admit that im not blameless: i have a tendancy to be talkative to people i trust. and i trusted this friend with almost everything i was, damn close to trusting them with my secrets, though im glad i havent done so now. but even as i havent compromised my own wellbeing, i have still said too much. i was unable to stop talking. i was unable to stop feeling. i was unable to forget.
i suppose i will start at the very beginning… this started last year. i honestly did know it would go this way. i didnt wish for anything. i lived a life free of the troubles of my past as much as it tried to haunt me. i was careless, worryless, free. that was when we met. at first it was simple. who are you, what are you into, have you heard of this, have you heard of that. i didnt even consider this person to want to keep it up for long. but over the course of many days, weeks, months we grew closer together. i still took it as a passing gust of wind that would be gone the next day. but then came times when i was simply astounded. i recall having a few hours on my hands and jokingly mentioning them… and my friend came and spent the one free hour i had with me when i thought id be all alone all day. there were times we met up just because we wanted to, at times because i had nothing better to do… that was the time when i was becoming closer and closer to my new friend… one day my friend had to leave for two weeks and we decided to meet the day before. met sometime after my work shift ended. i had no plans, had no purpose that day. by the time we went our separate ways in the middle of the night though i knew that i’d be waiting eagerly for my friend’s return. the two weeks passed. my friend got back, and soon thereafter one day when my time wasnt as restricted as usually we decided to spend an evening in each other’s company in a park. watched the sunset, sat on the beach with our backs against a log. while sitting there that evening i came to realize that this wasnt just another person for me now, this was a friend, someone i cared for, someone i did not want to let go of, someone i did not want to loose. and i didnt think. i just let myself be, i did not consider this person to be a stranger anymore, i did not consider this person to see me as a stranger anymore. i didnt think, i just let that be. and for the first time in a long long while i was actually happy. not just not sad or not depressed or not worried. i was actually happy. i had a friendship i cared about, and i did not consider the possibility of this friendship disappearing, as i could answer for myself, and i naively believed my friend to feel the same way about it as i did. i did not take it for granted. i felt as if the friendship we had was true one. i did not lie, i did not say a false word. i was myself, i was happy, i felt complete, fixed. before i felt broken. i wasnt worried, depressed or sad, but i was in a dark place. i did not have a way to go. i did not have a guiding light. i was in purgatory. i was in a crucible. but the fires were not alight. regardless of the lack of hellfire, being in purgatory isnt the best experience of anyone’s life or death. but when i finally realized i had a friend with whom i could be completely honest, i took a look up. my friend took me by the hand and lifted me up of my personal little hell. i valued what my friend did. until one day, to me it was out of nowhere, my friend decided to have a talk. i was crushed. i did not know what to feel. i was hurt, i walked away so we wouldnt have a fight. when i ran back hoping to fix my mistakes my friend already left. when i came to my friend’s car, it was long gone. a phonecall? one phonecall. my friend spoke of a lack of sleep, of tiredness. my friend promised to talk this over after the weekend. this gave me the last glimpse of hope i had, and i held on to it to this day. after the weekend though, my friend alienated me. for two weeks i pryed at any angle i could get at trying to talk to my friend, trying to reach out, meet my friend. until i realized i was reaching out to a person i thought was my friend. but i didnt loose hope. i still cared, i still felt like what was was good, and it was worth fighting for. a future different than the past, but still a future nonetheless. a place which i pictured in my mind’s eye, a place in which i wasnt broken. but i felt broken. mid october was when hope and daylight died. all but one ray of hope, one glimmer on to which i held on for my dear life. i was broken yet again. i was lifted out of my purgatory while its fires lit anew and within a happy moment that stretched for an eternity i was thrown back into the pit out of which i was lifted from. i fell down. i suffered. i prayed. i shed no tears, for i had hope. i believed one day something would change. i believed in a miracle that was yet to occur. what came before, was the best thing that ever happened to me. what i lived through in these past two months was hell. i tried distracting myself. i didnt drink myself away, i took it as seriously as i could. i tried being involved in the community, i tried training, i tried going to concerts, tried looking for a friend to replace the one i had before, but nothing worked. i realized in truth i sought no replacement, i wasnt ready to replace a dagger that was still twisting in the wound. everything i did helped me distract myself for a moment. but after the moment was gone i was dropped back into my personal hell again. i dont daresay a day passed during which i did not miss my friend. i woke up and went to sleep with hopes in my heart and kind thoughts in my head. i believe in karma. i believed that if i was the best person i could ever be there was a chance my hope would come true. i believed one day my friend would reach back out and raise me from my hell, at least lift me on to a ledge from which i could climb up on my own. but no such moment came. the first two weeks i sought a way to mend it. but then i was told it would be easier to do so in a month. so i waited a month. over a month. when now at last i was tired of waiting, tired of clinging on to a strand of hope that was withering before my eyes… when i reached out i was not met kindly. i was yet again ignored. i was alienated. i was hurt. but i kept trying until today. today, i was finally told to stop. the person that was my friend wasnt indecisive anymore. no more ignoring. no more silence. just two words. please stop. it broke me down, destroyed me, if its possible to destroy something that is already this crushed even more. tonight out of the blue i asked to meet my friend. my friend told me they wouldnt make it. so i left something somewhere, left them an obscure instruction on how to find it and was planning to just let it go until a time in two more weeks when i requested to meet my friend again, a little while back. but then came the response. two words. please stop. just no more. nothing. it was a wall i became afraid of. it is not a wall i will climb. it is not an obstacle i will dare to scale alone. all hope is gone now. there is nothing left for me there. nothing but the single spark in the darkness, the improbability, the miracle. i dare not hope now for what i used to hope for. that hope is gone. its nothing i can return. the miracle remains though. i used to think a miracle happened to me when i met my friend. it was a singular occurance i did not seek, it was not something i worked my way towards, it came by chance. but it wasnt a miracle. it was over before it really began. i was abandoned, alienated, and left lost and forgotten. there were those who tried to help me fix myself. but once a glass is broken it shall not hold water the same way it used to. you can fix it, but the cracks will still be there. unless it goes through another crucible it will never be whole again. unless, of course a miracle. the improbable. the impossible. and for the miracle i dare hope for. my life is dark now. my path is that through the valley of shadows. i now embrace my demons and they walk in my wake, guiding me, keeping me up, helping me fight. i will rely on my demons to fix me, to make me stronger. but i will not be what i was now. i tried to be nice. i tried to be kind. i tried to be honest. i tried to be noble. i tried to be loyal. i tried to be respectful. i tried to be strong. i tried to be courageous. i tried to be merciful. i tried to be forgiving. my friend was my inspiration, my muse. but today, my friend has blocked off that road, and i will not dare reach for that gate again lest my friend opens it. but that is now close to impossible. though anything, however improbable, is possible in a universe of infinite possibilities. i will keep my words. i will stand by what i said and what i truly am no matter what. but i will not make myself do what is right all the time. i will not be as kind as my friend inspired me to be. i will not be as forgiving as my friend’s presence bade me be. i will now only be what i am, and nothing more that my friend brough up in me, for now my friend is gone, and i am alone.